Here I am again after a long absence. I’ve had a hard time with direction in my life–as evidenced by the posts I’ve had on this first blog of mine over the past year and a half.

I’m a person who has many interests and passions. I’ve been realizing this can be a weakness too. It’s difficult to maintain focus. To get something specific done. I’m a jack-of-all-trades, but master of none.

My record has been one of fleeting engagement. I’m trying to juggle my interests in: philosophy, writing, history, politics, gaming, reading (and even add drawing to that list!). I get so enveloped within one I ignore the others and continue with it until I hit a wall. The passion-fuel runs low. I feel drained.

Then I rediscover another passion–the cycle continues.

I’ve made grand dictums in the past. For all the positivity and motivation I had in conquering this problem of my person–I still fall short to the trap. I doubt my abilities. I doubt myself.

This has come to a head, in a external reality check. Nothing life-shattering. But bitter nonetheless. A financial mistake due to this addled, distracted mind I have. Assessments from my classes done poorly, from simple improper planning, unsuitable drive and mismanaged time.

My ability focus, and lack thereof, determines almost every other factor in my life. I am mired in an erratic life of my own making. And I am seemingly unable to get out of this. However, now there appears to be a external factor that could knock some sense back into me.

I will (hopefully) graduate this year. My fluctuating will be even less practical then. I’m going to have to work towards one particular career. And that is what, I believe, I’ve been subconsciously avoiding for years now. I have to decide what is my work and what will be my hobbies. I only get one life to live.

I intellectually know this. But in my daily practices, I don’t act like I know it. Choosing one path means denying the others–at least for a time. This is my great test–the test against my own personality. Can I survive, in the real world, on my own merits? Which part of my person will rule the other?

That is what I will find out: for good or ill.

Advertisements